Friday, July 29, 2005

Two Standoffs—One Lunch Hour

Women are officially nuts---myself included. I just wasted a quarter of my lunch hour in two separate poop standoffs. I don’t know how men behave in public bathrooms, but women usually don’t like to poop when there are other women in the bathroom—especially the work bathroom. Therefore, common protocol is for the pooper to sit and wait for the other people to leave the bathroom so that they can poop in peace and not inflict their smell on anyone else. This also allows the pooper to leave the bathroom anonymously without being recognized for their dirty deed.

So I left for lunch, but had to stop by the bathroom on my way out. I had a big bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and nature was calling. I had just gotten sat down and comfortable when two other women walked in. Damn it! So I sat there and waited patiently until they did their business and left. Finally—solitude. But just as they left, another woman walked in and sat down in the stall right beside me. She pulled down her pants and sat down, but.....she didn’t make a sound. It soon became obvious that she had to poop too. I coughed. I dug around in my purse. I did everything I could think of to act like I wasn't there to poop. And then I started to get pissed. Who the hell did she think she was? I was obviously there first. She should be the one to leave. So there we a poop standoff. Who would leave? Who would stay? Or would we both just suck it up and poop at the same time?

I waited for a couple of minutes, but then looked at my watch and realized that my precious lunch hour minutes were rapidly ticking away. So I caved, and decided to wait till after lunch.

I went to Kroger and had one of their fabulous vegetarian sushi rolls for lunch and returned to the office with ten minutes to spare—just enough time to squeeze in a relaxing bathroom visit. I went to a different bathroom this time, hoping for better luck. But just as I sat down, I heard the creaking of the bathroom door and the clicking of high heels. Not again, I thought. A woman walked in and sat down in the other stall. She finished peeing and still sat there. No flush, no wiping, no pulling up of pants. Foiled again! Another standoff! But this time, I was determined not to give in. I put on my best John Wayne expression and readied for battle. I think a tumble weed blew across the bathroom floor. We both sat there for a few minutes, feeling each other out, and then......I just let it go. Ahhh.....sweet release. She promptly got up and left, stomping her little high heels all the way out.

Victory was mine.